Dear Lord: I need to get out

Today was spent inside.

All of it.

A downside of being unemployed is that you have no reason to leave the house, and no money with which to go out. So to conserve money, you stay inside.

I was hoping to get a phone call from the people I interviewed with. I didn't get one. I'm concerned. My mother is pressuring me, even though she doesn't mean to, and it's messing with my head.

Praise God, because He's strong enough to deal with this for me.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" Lamentations 3:23-24

Dear Lord: This looks promising

I had my second interview with the same company today.

The interview lasted two hours. It was at a group home. I didn't get to meet the residents, but I did get to see the home, and talk to the supervisor. I think it went really well, all in all!

I know God was with me, and I'm sure He'll see me through this.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. I need to get out of the house soon. I'm going to start getting claustrophobic. Unfortunately, due to an incident late last week, I'm no longer completely confident in the safety of my neighborhood. But I can't stay inside all week, either.

"Death is naked before God; Destruction lies uncovered. He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing. He wraps up the waters in his clouds, yet the clouds do not burst under their weight. He covers the face of the full moon, spreading his clouds over it. He marks out the horizon on the face of the waters for a boundary between light and darkness. The pillars of the heavens quake, aghast at his rebuke. By his power he churned up the sea; by his wisdom he cut Rahab to pieces. By his breath the skies became fair; his hand pierced the gliding serpent. And these are but the outer fringe of his works; how faint the whisper we hear of him! Who then can understand the thunder of his power?" Job 26:6-14

Dear Lord: I stand in awe of You

God truly has a plan for us all.

I got some encouragement today. A friend's husband has been searching for a job as well. He's having similar issues with unemployment compensation. In his case, he had the compensation granted, but the company appealed and he lost it. Unfortunately, just like I can make an appeal on my unemployment, the company that gets rid of employees can as well. It's fair, but frustrating.

This man, like me, has been praying hard about it. He and my friend (Mr. and Mrs. HT, from now on) have two small children, and they are taking care of his mother as well. Mrs. HT has a disability that keeps her from working most jobs, which means she can't get a job to help supplement right now. Instead, she stays home, homeschooling the children, taking care of the house, and caring for her mother-in-law.

Today, she called me. Praise God! Mr. HT has gotten a job! This is a huge encouragement to me, because he got a job in the same company I applied and interviewed at. I'm interviewing at a different location, but I'm praying that it works out for me.

God also used my small group tonight to remind me that my problems are not the only thing to focus on. One of the men in my group, F, has been diagnosed with a serious illness, as has his daughter. We prayed around him tonight, placing hands on him. It was a very serious, very emotional moment, and I'm happy that we did it. I have faith that the Lord will do what is best in this situation.

There are so many things to be thankful for, even in this time of need. My grandmother's recovery. A church that supports me and friends that care for me. A college that supports the degrees I want. Jobs that are coming to those around me. Good health. Food on my table and a roof over my head. A pastor that truly cares about me and the rest of his congregation. And, above all, a God that will never leave me, nor forsake me. It's when I'm at my lowest that I know He's the closest. Amen, Lord. Amen.

"In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." John 16:23-24

Dear Lord: Praise be!

I got a callback today.

I have a second interview on Wednesday for the place I interviewed at last week! I'm hopeful. The Lord will do what is best for me, of that I am sure.

The Lord used my grandmother to remind me of the day I was baptized. It was a brutal, rather painful reminder of how faithful I used to be, compared to now. It was nice, in a way. I have some memories that have subtly shifted, until I was no longer sure as to why I had been so insistent on getting baptized when I did. But my grandmother had written a letter, which she had saved, and reading it to me, I remembered what I had believed and why. It helped me to be able to shift through the falsehoods and lies, until I had the truth.

The mind is a tricky thing, and I think Satan, though unable to read our minds, still knows what to put in front of us to cause us to doubt ourselves. I had fallen into that trap. It was nice to know that I wasn't correct.

But it's hard, when you realize that you were so very very firm at one point, and now it seems like all you do is question yourself.

Praise God, that I can't do anything on my own. Because this way, I know I need Him, and I know He'll be there for me.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21

Dear Lord: He is Risen!

In the hustle and bustle of our days, it's hard to remember sometimes what it's really all about.

I went to visit my family for Easter. My family and I do not always get along, and I was prepared for some things that my mother had warned me she wanted to talk about.

Thankfully, the conversation was avoided, though I did make the offer. It's time my mother let me grow up, and that's something I'm going to have to make an effort to make sure she knows.

But praise God, that He sent His Son. My family and I had a wonderful time celebrating Easter together. I also was able to speak with my grandmother, and she gave me a lot of encouragement I wasn't expecting from her. It's just another reminder that God is very busily taking care of me, and it's more of an encouragement than anything else could be.

Praise God! He is Risen! And because He lives, I live!

"For God so love the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him might not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Luke 24:5-6

"'Don't be alarmed,' he said. 'You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here.'" Mark 16:6

"Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said." Matthew 28:5-6

"These things happened so that the scripture would be fulfilled: 'Not one of his bones will be broken,' and, as another scripture says, 'They will look on the one they have pierced.'" Luke 19:36-37

Dear Lord: A prayer

Lord, I need you now.

I'm going home to visit my parents.

I need your strength, your confidence, and your wisdom.

I need the grace to respect and honor my parents, even as we disagree.

I need the strength to show them who I am and what I want.

I need the knowledge to be able to counter their arguments.

I need the patience to deal with my parents and their preconceptions about what and who I should be.

Thank you Lord, for being with me. Whatever happens this weekend, I pray that it is your will and your wisdom that guides it.

"Defend the poor and fatherless; do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and the needy; free them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

Dear Lord: It's been a day

I spent a lot of time in the Bible today.

I have decided to go ahead and at least look into finding a lawyer to help me fight my unemployment appeal. No harm in trying. Ultimately, though, I just need to find a job. Which I'm working on, absolutely.

I did a lot of research on Moses today. It was fascinating, actually. I mean, we all know the main story. But the first few chapters, the stuff before he was all Charleton-Heston-Awesome... That's what I really find interesting. Exodus 1-5 is full of things I'd never thought about before.

I feel like I can really relate to Moses sometimes. We don't know what his relationship with his adoptive family was, but he was well aware that he was a Hebrew. Also, his adoptive father tried to kill him. It stands to reason that his relationship was, perhaps, not the best. On the other hand, I've always heard that Moses wrote Exodus. Yes, it was God-inspired, but you can't tell me that each writer's styles and prejudices don't shine through at times. It's possible that Moses truly, honestly believed that his adoptive grandfather tried to kill him, and was never able to get the real story because he ran away. Either way, he obviously never really fit in with the royal family that well, nor with the Hebrews.

We all know Moses had a temper problem. You can't kill a man and not have a bit of a temper problem. He wanted to save people, obviously, but he went about it all the wrong way. He truly loved his people, but they just made him so angry. We see examples of it throughout his time as judge. But it's interesting to see the immaturity inherent in this first recorded temper outburst. You have to wonder... Had his education included the Hebrew faith? Later, he asks for a name to give the Israelites. Though Hebrew, did he know anything about that culture or religion?

I've always wondered... If Moses hadn't killed that Egyptian, how would history have differed? I don't believe in predestination, and God does not tempt people. If the whole goal was for Moses to get adopted, kill a man, and then run off to the desert, why was it Pharaoh's daughter who picked him out of the river? Why not an Egyptian commoner who had recently lost a child and would be willing to adopt a Hebrew child to ease her broken heart? Why did God place Moses in such a place of authority, and what would He have done with Moses if Moses hadn't lost his temper?

I know some theorists talk about how he had a stutter, and that was why he didn't want to talk to Pharaoh. I wonder if it wasn't something a little more basic. He'd run away. He'd probably spoken a different language in Egypt, and he was out of practice. I don't know. I do know that I can read that line and totally relate. I don't quite stutter, but I do have a tendency to repeat things in funny ways without meaning to, particularly when I'm nervous or excited. Speaking to Pharaoh would surely be both exciting and nerve-wracking. Maybe Moses just wasn't confident in the language. Or was scared.

It's interesting to theorize. I'm only really going in-depth on the first five chapters, and I've only gotten through the first three so far, just writing down questions. I don't know what I'll do with what I find. But I'm fascinated by what I'm learning, and what I'm thinking about.

In other news, I just got back inside after dealing with the police. I had thought this was a fairly safe neighborhood, but I just spotted a man outside my window and he was... Er. Having a good time. To use a euphemism. I hope the police catch him, and he gets some help. And I think I need to move.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:10-11

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

"He established it as a statute for Joseph when he went out against Egypt, where we heard a language we did not understand. He says, 'I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud.'" Psalm 81:5-7

"Yet it was our weaknesses He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down. And we thought His troubles were a punishment from God for His own sins!" Isaiah 53:4

Dear Lord: Is China right?

Several doors have opened for me.

I just feel like the price is so very high.

I'm coming to rely on the Lord more and more through this. I really am. It's amazing how much you come to know about God when you have nothing to do but read the Bible. I feel like my time up to now has been much like the Casting Crowns song American Dream, in that I've spent the years between high school and now really pursuing the things I thought I was supposed to, the things that I'd been told to do. I put blinders on and just focused on getting through to the next obstacle.

I've learned a lot from that. I can look back and say that God was with me the whole time, but I wasn't always bothering to pay any attention to Him. And that's sad.

When I was a kid, I had all sorts of amazing and extravagant plans. I was going to learn American Sign Language and Braille, and I was going to open a Christian school/church/library that worked with families to accept families who didn't necessarily have the means to afford the fancy private schools. Even just a single Braille book is phenomenally expensive. I wanted to have a way to provide an education and books and materials to the blind and the deaf and the disabled, so that they could be part of the community. I also wanted to be a missionary, and go to China. I thought it would be amazing to be a part of something so great.

Once I got older, I kind of left these dreams behind, not knowing how I would even begin to fulfill them.

Now, I'm looking at them again. Not in an extravagant, immediate way, but in a "Why did I ever forget about those?" way. I don't think I could open a school. But I can learn American Sign Language. I can learn Braille (as well as any seeing person can, anyway). I've always loved ASL anyway. I've applied at a local college for entry into their ASL/English Interpreting program. In my research, I discovered that the college also offers a Minor in Chinese.

Everywhere I've looked recently, there's been something about going overseas to China, both for missionary work and for teaching English. I think I would like to. I feel good about this decision. It's a decision to learn ASL, certainly, but also to learn Chinese, and then to go where I think the Lord is leading me. And I want to go where He leads.

But I'm so weak, and so scared. Audio Adrenaline put it best in Hands And Feet, when they sang:

"I am willing yet I'm so afraid
You give me strength."

I'm still afraid. But, like Michael W. Smith in Missing Person, I feel like I've lost the wonderment and belief I had when I was a child, and I want that back. So, I want the courage to make this decision, and to not run away because it would be easier. Lord, I want to be David, not Jonah.

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 18:16-17

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:11-12

Dear Lord: Help me not worry

I had an interview today!

It was scary, but I'm hopeful. I feel I did a good job, and made a good impression, and I can only hope that it was enough. They did insist on getting a recommendation from my previous employer, and I did my best to point them towards someone who will do right by me. But that is a matter of prayer.

Lord, You know how much I need a job. Thank you for the opportunity You've given me with this interview. Please, please let it work out.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all--how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31-32

Dear Lord: I will follow

I had a bit of a breakdown.

I will never deny that I made mistakes. But largely, I was let go because I was an easy target. I was quiet, somewhat shy, and I kept to myself. Why? In the area I live in, there is very little to do besides go out and drink, particularly if you have a job where you will be expected to work overtime at the drop of a hat. I don't have any major issue with drinking in moderation but you do not go to a bar to drink in moderation or meet people who do. Therefore, I keep to myself, and let the drinkers have their fun.

But being the loner means you're an easier target than someone with a lot of friends.

I try to be a good daughter, and I have kept my parents up-to-date as to what is going on. Understandably, my parents are quite concerned about the lack of unemployment. My mother is insisting that, when I come down to visit this weekend (it is Easter, after all), she and I will have a heart-to-heart. She feels that there are a great many things in my life that need to change, and if they do not, I may no longer have a relationship with my family.

Unfortunately, while I admit that I have faults, I don't believe that I can be the woman my mother wants me to be. So now, I'm afraid my choices may come down to following the path I believe the Lord to be sending me down and possibly losing my family, or trying to conform to what my mother expects, and losing all ability to be myself.

It's a rough choice. It's an impossible choice. But it's something that, deep down, has been several years in the making. If I'm going to move forward, I'm going to have to step away from my family. And if doing that means I have to break ties for a time, then I will pray hard but I will do it.

I spent a lot of time discussing it with Mrs. Pastor. For the first time in my life, I learned that you can be a respectful daughter who honors your parents, and yet still disagree with them and strike off your own direction, heedless of their advice. It... Is freeing. But the concept is no less terrifying. I have lived on my own for several years now, so it is not that my parents have any financial responsibility for me, but simply that they are family.

It is not a decision to be made lightly.

I went to my Small Group tonight, as well. Pastor knows one of the higher-ups in my old company, and offered to talk with him in an attempt to get my job back. I declined. Even if the job had been something I had truly loved, I could never work for the man who fired me. I was also able to talk with someone who has also been through the unemployment process. He suggested finding a lawyer who would only take money from me if I won. I'm thinking about this.

Finally, should something happen over Easter Weekend, I have an alternative. Two, actually. If I have to leave Saturday, I will go to Mr. and Mrs. Missionary's house after Easter service on Sunday. If I have to leave Sunday, I will go to another person's house, as the hostess does not mind unexpected guests.

It is not what I would wish. But it is the reality.

"Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before." Daniel 6:10

Dear Lord: I can't see the light

I'm stuck in a tunnel right now, and I can't see any way out.

I've been denied unemployment. I can appeal it. Unfortunately, they picked the one thing I can't deny happened, and used that. It happened. I know it did. I know it was a mistake. I just didn't realize it was bad enough to cost me so much.

I don't have the money to pay legal fees.

On top of that, a doctor in the hospital my grandmother was in went into her room and messed with her medication. He wasn't her attending doctor or anyone who should have been messing with her medication at all. It was caught before she died, but it was a near thing. Satan is angry, and attempting to do away with my grandmother.

I'm listening to a lot of K-Love, which is a Christian radio station. It's one of the things that is keeping me going. The Tunnel by Third Day has come on several times, and it's an amazing song and an amazing inspiration.

Lord, I can't do this on my own. Everything I could have relied on besides You is falling out from under me. Give me strength. Give me courage. Don't leave me in this time of need. You promised You would never leave nor forsake Your children. Dear Lord, I need you now.

"And the Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?' Satan answered the Lord, 'From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.'" Job 2:2

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:10

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave?" Psalm 6:2-5

Dear Lord: Praise God!!

No, I don't have a job yet.

But my grandmother has been healed. I know, I know, that sounds silly. But bear with me.

She's had a chronic lung disease for years now. Monday, she went into the hospital because she'd been coughing up things. She's been on oxygen for three years. And when she got to the hospital, she was diagnosed with E. Coli in her lungs, and the early stages of pneumonia.

Our family was preparing for the worst.

I called her today. She's healed. She has nothing in her lungs. They're taking her off of the oxygen, except at night. It's a miracle!

And now, she says her hospital room is like a bus stop. Everyone in the hospital is stunned, no one knows what to make of it, and they all want to hear her story from her.

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Dear Lord: Sometimes we forget

It's nearly Easter.

For Christians, this is one of the major, vitally important holidays. It's something that we forget in the hustle and bustle of our lives, and we shouldn't.

I went to see an Easter play tonight. It was amazing. It was inspiring. And when the call for new believers came at the end, I think a hundred people went to the front. Praise God!

"For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him might not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Dear Lord: Unemployment involves so much

For the record, unemployment is complicated.

Most of us don't consider unemployment until we need it. Unemployment compensation carries with it a certain level of shame in America. Of course you'll be out there working. That's the American dream, after all, to be out in the world working and earning money for yourself. Of course, it isn't that easy right now.

So, in case anyone needs to know, I'll sketch out some basic details about how Unemployment Compensation works in the state I live in. I'm sure it varies from state to state, but hopefully it will give people a good starting point.

Every state is going to have a website. I had to Google for mine. It falls under my state's Labor and Industry Department, though that might not be true of every state. Within that website will be something about unemployment. From there, it's just a matter of red tape. Basically, you file a claim. It has to get through a lot of people. I know that for my state, if I'd been laid off, I'd have been able to skip a step. Since I was officially fired, I had to fill out a paper that acknowledged that I knew the reasons my employer had given for firing me, and then giving my side of the story.

From there, it's up in the air. The department has to go through their evidence and documents from both me and my employer and decide what to do. Assuming I qualify, I have to file every other week for unemployment, and make sure that I document every extra bit of income that comes in.

I don't have to put in a certain amount of applications every week to retain my unemployment. Which is good, because I can focus on getting quality jobs then. I get something like 80% of my regular income, and I can work a part-time job to make a certain extra percentage above that. If I make more though, it'll be taken out of my check. I only get a certain amount total, but I'm hoping to have a job long before that runs out.

It's a little more complicated than this, and there are certain requirements you have to meet before they'll even consider giving you unemployment. But as terrifying as it was at first to deal with this, I think it's almost more the fear of not knowing what you're getting into, than anything really worth fearing.

"The God of heaven will give us success. We His servants will start rebuilding." Nehemiah 2:20

Dear Lord: Regarding productivity...

Yesterday I was productive.

Today I was much less so. The rain didn't help. I don't drive in torrential rain or thunderstorms unless absolutely necessary. It's not that thunder scares me, but that I feel no need to risk injury in that kind of weather. Lightning isn't the only danger. Frankly, until I know I've got health insurance again, I'd prefer to avoid any negative circumstances.

I'm frustrated with my family. They're concerned, and I understand. I'm concerned. I'm worried sick, to be honest. But I visited them yesterday, and I was hoping that we could discuss something besides my dismal failure at finding a job. It's not that I don't understand their concerns. I do. I just... I need a break from the tension and the worry and the fear that surrounds me. Otherwise, I'll curl into a ball and sob.

I did my best to assuage my parents' fears, and tried to avoid them when it got to be too much. So today, I did some online things that needed doing. I'm amazed at how many jobs you can apply for online. I managed to find out what I needed to know for my local tax return.

I also talked to a couple of fellow Christians who are currently unemployed. What amazes me is how quickly things seem to have fallen into place for me. It's not been easy, and I don't have a job yet. But two weeks out, and I have a plan and a goal outside of "Hope a job comes up."

So thank you Lord, and give me patience to keep positive with my family.

"Praise the Lord. Sing to the Lord a new song, His praise in the assembly of the saints. Let Israel rejoice in their Maker; let the people of Zion be glad in their King. Let them praise His name with dancing and make music to Him with tambourine and harp. For the Lord takes delight in His people; He crowns the humble with salvation." Psalm 149:1-4

Dear Lord: I'm still here

Sometimes it's easy to forget that I'm not simply a sum of my accomplishments and failures.

I look around me, and I see things about me that bother me, that concern me, that confuse me. Issues with the way my mind works. Issues with my body. Issues with my self-confidence. And it's easy to listen to that voice that picks up all the things my boss said to me, and amplifies them.

This is the first time I've ever been fired. I work hard. Like a great many Americans, I have a good work ethic and I do my best to make sure I'm successful. And sometimes that's just not enough.

But that's okay, because I have a God that protects and guides me, even through the storm. I'm watching the news, and listening as they talk about how unemployment is rising again. And it's scary. But I can't worry about that, because if I do, I'll get overwhelmed by it all, and I'll end up having an anxiety attack. All I can do is trust that God will see me through it all.

Today I ran around the University campus, getting signatures and putting all my ducks in a row. There's no guarantee, but it looks like I'll be accepted into the University for the fall semester. This seems to be working out, and amazingly fast. Next step: Get financial aid.

"Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions." Ecclesiastes 7:10

Dear Lord: Thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to remember everything He's done.

I don't say that lightly. But we've all been there. You look around you and all you can see is the negativity. Something a guest speaker at my church said a couple of weeks ago seems appropriate. He was talking about evangelism, and believing in the Lord even in the face of everything that comes up against us. And he made a point that I really could identify with.

We get confused, upset, and overwhelmed by our problems here on earth, because the only perspective we have is from right where we are. God, though, has the view from the throne. It's the difference between being a foot soldier, an archer, a cavalry soldier, and being the general. The general sees every skirmish, every battle from a strategic point of view. That's not to say he doesn't care about the casualties, but that he has a larger goal, and he's created tactics and strategies to reach that ultimate goal. But the foot soldiers, the men there on the field day in and day out, don't have that view. All they know is right there in front of them.

We're those soldiers. And we're surrounded by the strife and suffering, and it gets so overwhelming that all we want to do is collapse. I think sometimes as Christians we end up suffering from a sort of spiritual PSTD, where we begin to react to all non-Christians, and even those Christians we disagree with, in such a negative fashion that we isolate ourselves off from everyone. It's like we walk around in a fog of terror, not knowing who is right and who is wrong, and clinging to what little we know and understand because that's all we can do.

I know it's something I've done for a long time, in my own way.

A side effect of this, for me at least, has been that I can't see God unless He throws things in my face. It also means I tend to be that person who has a problem making a decision when I have it there in front of me. I want everything to be easy for me, and of course, that's not how it works.

Today I found out what it will take to go back to college. It's back to a four-year program, no matter how I look at it. It's frustrating, and discouraging. But things seem to be looking up, nonetheless. I should be able to get in for the fall semester. I might have an easy in on a job doing something I love. I still need to work on getting financial aid, and I can only pray that it will go well. And I'm wondering what it would take to get some other language training.

It's going to be a process. I didn't want a process. I wanted something to just... Work out. That was silly and irrational. But I'm learning.

"This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain--first the stalk, then the head, the the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come." Mark 4:26-29

Dear Lord: Sometimes I'm such a fool

It's the last day of the month.

Today is the last day I have benefits from my old company. It's the day my explanation for getting fired is due. Tomorrow if I get sick, I'll have to pay for it out of pocket. It's... Sad.

I couldn't seem to get my feet underneath me today. I'm not sure why people put up with me. I'm doubting things I shouldn't doubt, and I feel like crying every second. It's so frustrating.

"I said, 'I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.' But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue: 'Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath.'" Psalm 39:1-5

Dear Lord: There's so much to do...

There's not enough time, and so much to do.

It's not that I'm unambitious. It's that I have a hard time convincing myself to do things. I think part of it is just that I'm scared. I'm scared of getting turned down. I'm scared of change. I'm scared that people will look at me and reject me because of my appearance. And all of this is only made worse by the fact that I've received the ultimate "You can't do a good job" message in the loss of my job.

So I didn't really get started today until noon. Well, that's not entirely true. With the help of a friend, I was able to get my write-up for the contesting of my unemployment written in a way that sounds professional and accurate. I hope I did it right. Then noon, I got out of the house and got that and another item mailed. I had the church Bible Study for the Deaf at 1pm, so I grabbed a couple of Dollar Menu items and ate them on the way. It's a good thing, too, because that study went for 3 hours.

On the way home, I stopped by the Red Cross and offered to volunteer. It's kind of disheartening when a volunteer organization doesn't need volunteers. I stopped by another minimum-wage place, and got an application. It's not what I want, but for now, I'll take what I can get.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

Dear Lord: I'm procrastinating

Going to church today was interesting.

Because of the prayer meeting, I met some people I hadn't before. Amazingly, though I've been going to this church for over a year now, I have had several people come up to me recently and ask me if I was a visitor. It's nice that they have noticed me, but it's a little awkward to have to tell people that I've been coming here for some time now.

I didn't get the things done that I needed to, for the most part. I'm supposed to write all the reasons why I shouldn't have been fired. I keep staring at the page with a nearly overwhelming amount of anger. I thought I was over this. I need to forgive my boss and my old company, and I'm not sure how.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:44-45

Dear Lord: Prayer really is the best way to start

Sometimes it's easy to forget everything in the mad rush that is life.

I started out today not sure I wanted to wake up. There was a prayer meeting this morning at 8am, and I was very tempted to sleep through it. Largely because I'd stayed up so late last night. But I decided to go anyway, and I'm glad I did.

Apparently, there are some issues in the church right now. In my experience, this is, unfortunately, all too common. People are people everywhere, even in church. There will always be those people that end up causing problems and strife, and I've grown accustomed to it in churches. It's a sad truth. The prayer meeting this morning was in regards to the issues in the church. An attempt, if you will, by the women of the church to support the men, if only from a distance.

It ended up lasting nearly two hours. This was surprising, but nice. We prayed specifically for the men of the church, certainly. But we also took a break and discussed things currently going on in our lives. One of the things brought up was that a friend of mine has recently had an abortion. Now, yes. I have a moral and religious objection to abortion. I disagree with her decision. But I also understand her reasoning. She is a single mother of one, living with her parents. Another child would basically cement her into a life she doesn't want. Happily, I was able to pray for her with the group, her current child, and her medical/physical status. I'm not entirely sure she would be happy about this if she knew, but I am concerned about her physical, mental, and emotional stability. Abortions are not just a physical trauma, but often an emotional trauma as well.

I met my parents for lunch. There were things I was supposed to have done between the prayer meeting and lunch, but my parents were also not supposed to make it up to my area until mid-afternoon. They called me a little before noon. We tried to go to a couple of different restaurants, but we weren't having a lot of luck. Instead, we ended up in a little Chinese buffet. It was quite nice. And then my parents informed me they had not only brought me an old monitor, but they had bought me a new printer, and my sister had bought me some bad sci-fi books. It made me smile.

The mudanities of meeting my parents was surprisingly nice. I'm having issues with my taxes (my previous employer may have managed to mess up my taxes, and thus my finances for the next few months), and my dad was able to help out at least a little. It's nice, even for a couple of hours, to be reminded that my family is there for me, and that my life is not all about my inability to get a job.

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:7-8

Dear Lord: And I needed that too.

Children have a way of working miracles all by themselves.

The mail came today, and in it was my unemployment package, and the documentation I need to fill out in order to contest for unemployment. There's something very real about staring down at that piece of paper and realizing that whatever you say there is going to affect whether or not you can pay the bills next month, if you can't find a job.

It's also rather startling when they give you two days to fill it out and mail it back in.

I immediately called them and pointed out that it was going to take me a day to fill the document out, and if it needs to be back by Tuesday, I might have problems, given the postal service. They were very understanding, and I was reassured.

I also called a church friend, and got directions/an address to the prayer meeting tomorrow. I called a place I used to work part-time at and asked for hours again. It, sadly, doesn't look likely. But at least I'm trying.

Finally, I called the school I'd like to enroll in. They couldn't answer my questions right then, but they're going to put me in touch with someone who can. Hopefully by Wednesday I'll know whether I can re-enroll and how I should go about doing it. I also have a list of jobs I am going to try to get applications out for. Crossed fingers!

Then, I headed out to Mr. and Mrs. Missionary's house. Now, to be honest, I wasn't sure how this was going to go down. The letter and the pressure had me strung a little tight, and so I've been rather up and down emotionally all day.

But I was greeted by a tiny boy carrying an even tinier girl. "Say hi! It's a friend!"

It's hard not to smile at that. Of course, later that tiny girl backed away from me as though I were Jason, complete with hockey mask, and began screaming and crying. Apparently, she's shy. But I spent a good half hour running around with the kids, keeping the little one from wandering too far, chatting with Mrs. Missionary, and racing from the front yard to the back yard and back again. Dinner was fabulous, spent chatting and eating great food (Something you miss when you live on your own is a table full of people. I spend most of my meals at home in front of the television). And then I read a book on crocodiles to the little ones. I had a child on my lap, a child curled against my side, a child curled against that child, and a child who spent her time crawling over top all of us. It was great fun. We watched a movie, and then spent time talking about various books we all had read and loved. I was almost sad to go, but unfortunately, 11:15pm means it's time to politely make an exit.

There's something infinitely healing about spending so much time with children. I think it's the automatic acceptance for who you are.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth! You have set Your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants You have ordained praise because of Your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?" Psalm 8:1-4

Dear Lord: I needed that.

God gave us mothers for a reason.

I won't pretend my mother and I have always gotten along. We haven't. I was not a pleasant teenager (was anyone?) and my mother and I have had our share of fights, arguments, and misunderstandings. We're much, much too similar, and that more than anything else makes things difficult for us to get along on. I swear, I think we've had disagreements where we both agreed on something, but were too busy arguing about it to realize that. It's a wonder, really, that the rest of the family didn't simply knock our heads together sometimes.

But after spending most of Wednesday and all day yesterday feeling sorry for myself and running in place, metaphorically speaking, I got up today not entirely sure how to proceed. I had this rather misguided idea that I'd be able to just jump into the next spot in life without any real effort on my part. Obviously, this is silly, which I would have realized if I'd thought about it at all rationally, but I didn't.

So, although I'd gone to bed with all sorts of thoughts about how I was going to get up and be all MOTIVATED and PRODUCTIVE today, I basically woke up wishing that someone else would make my decision for me, and then spending all morning in bed. So much for productivity.

And then my mother called. She didn't pull any punches, either. She told me exactly what I needed to hear (which, trust me, was not what I wanted to hear), gave me a list of things that have to be done by tomorrow afternoon, and gave me the consequences for not doing them.

Granted, there is a large part of me that wants to sit and wallow, or spin wheels, because that's easier than making a decision. That part of me is pointing out that it's only been a week, that a week one direction or the other won't matter, that I have every right to take my time for this.

And the rest of me realizes that the minute I start making a habit of that kind of procrastination, I'm setting myself up for failure.

So I'm going to stop using 'research' as an excuse, and start making some phone calls. The more I look at it, the more it seems that one door is being forcibly closed on me, and the another is being made more clear. Frustratingly, it's not necessarily the one I thought I really wanted, but maybe the timing just isn't right.

Off to the phones.

"We give thanks to you, O God, we give thanks, for your Name is near; men tell of your wonderful deeds. You say, 'I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly. When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm.'" Psalm 75:1-3

Dear Lord: I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.

There's always going to be ups and downs.

I wouldn't be human if I didn't have them. And this wouldn't be an accurate accounting if I didn't talk about the bad with the good.

Today wasn't one of my better days. It was cold and rainy out, so I didn't get to go for a walk. I was easily distracted, having trouble with my concentration, and so couldn't manage to do the research and phone calls I needed to. And then, around 7pm I realized I hadn't gotten anything (besides laundry) done all day. This frustrated me, but at that point, it was so late there really wasn't any time to go out, and most of the places I need to call have closed by then. Yay for small-town mentalities.

Honestly, I'm still reeling from the disappointment yesterday. I thought this was going to be easy, and fast. It looks like, instead, it could take years, and could send me into a college program I realized the first time around that I couldn't handle. I shouldn't be cloistering myself up like this, but apparently I wasn't capable of anything else.

Lord, let tomorrow be better.

"I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked. From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3:5-8

Dear Lord: It's getting hard to keep positive.

I started out this morning amazingly positive.

As of yesterday, I had some amazing options, and I was really looking forward to things. A woman from Small Group had a possible part-time job for me that she was going to call me about. I had options laid out in front of me and I only had to do the research to figure out how to do them.

I had an appointment with my insurance agent. I've gone almost two years without Renter's Insurance, and being jobless means I was more concerned about this than I had been before. We also rearranged things so that I have some health insurance, anyway, at least in case I'm in a car accident. And then I found out that she knows how to get a Teaching English as a Second Language license. In fact, she paused our meeting so that she could make a phone call to a local college to get information for me. It was amazing!

And then I got home and started doing some research. Now, when I first started college, I went into Early Childhood Education. I didn't actually want to teach small children. What I wanted to do was teach young adults and adults with disabilities. But ECE was required for that, which confused me but I tried anyway. I nearly failed out, and ended up transferring out to a different degree altogether.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like kids. But more than three little ones, and I'm overwhelmed. Being a Christian woman doesn't mean I'm cut out for dealing with a classroom of 3 and 4-year olds.

And now I'm discovering that, to get the TESL/TEFL license I need to teach English overseas, I need to have a normal teaching license. To get a teaching license, I need to have a BA in Early Childhood Education.

And Sign Language will require me to move back close to my parents, away from my church, into Alcohol Central, and spend two years there.

I'm just... feeling so discouraged now. Everything I thought I could do is shutting down in my face, and I don't know how to fix it. What now, God? I can't do this alone.

"Even today my complaint is bitter; His hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find Him; if only I could go to His dwelling! I would state my case before Him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what He would answer me, and consider what He would say. Would He oppose me with great power? No, He would not press charges against me. There an upright man could present his case before Him, and I would be delivered forever from my judge." Job 23:2-7

Dear Lord: Decisions.

One of the things you aren't taught in Sunday School is that God may have a magnificent plan for you, but He'll still give you the choice to walk away from it.

I've mentioned Jonah before, but... I think one of the lessons from that is that we can make our own decisions. That doesn't mean God will leave us to ourselves, but He does let us do what we want, and then to pay for the consequences. I mean, the people who didn't see things through God's way mostly didn't make it in the Bible, or at least not in any way we want to follow.

But nowadays, God doesn't tend to come down in a pillar of fire, or a burning bush, or anything like that. He's a lot more subtle than that now.

Most of my day today was spent doing research, not really getting a lot done on my own. I was hampered somewhat by the fact that when I went to college the first round, it wasn't something I'd made a conscious decision about. I wasn't like a lot of students who did a lot of research and sent out a lot of college applications. When your father is a professor, you're pretty much guaranteed to get into his college, and I kinda just fell into my field of study.

So I finally just got up and took a walk. Now, I live within a quarter mile of a local lake with a walk-around. So I went for a walk. Halfway to the lake, my MP3 player shut down. I paused for a moment, and then decided to go ahead and walk the lake anyway. There's a lot of nature there, and there's no reason I would need an MP3 player. I've just, like a lot of people my age, gotten used to being surrounded by a lot of man-made noise, and the concept of being without it is a little odd.

But... Not to sound cliche, but it was a really good experience. Getting out, being surrounded by nothing but God's creation, it really just made things easier to deal with. I came out of it feeling at peace. I really think I need to make this a daily thing. Now I just have to remember to do it.

Interestingly, when I went to my Church Small Group tonight. I talked about the ways God has blessed me, and about the decisions I'm facing and how terrifying it is right now. Pastor has offered a booklet on making Godly decisions to me. I'm hoping that will help me as I face all that's being thrown at me.

"Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths, lightning and hail, snow and clouds, stormy winds that do his bidding, you mountains and all hills, fruit trees and all cedars, wild animals and all cattle, small creatures and flying birds." Psalm 148:7-10

Dear Lord: It's Monday, and I'm at home

The last time I was unemployed, I was seventeen, and my family was living in the basement/RV of a church friend.

I've worked since I was fifteen, usually nearly full-time, and usually with school or another job as well. It's hard to look ahead and see nothing but staying home. The job I had didn't lend itself to being able to get out and have a social life; overtime was basically required at the drop of a hat. Even besides that, I'm in an area where alcohol is the accepted method of hanging out and meeting people socially, and if you don't drink, well... Why not?

It's not really that I'm absolutely against drinking. In moderation (as with most everything else) drinking is fine. But I don't enjoy most bars, and I prefer not to put myself into situations where I could be harmed. So I don't go to bars alone, and I don't meet people/make friends because I don't go to bars. It's a sad little cycle.

So suddenly, I'm alone, and I don't even have a network of friends that can be here physically. It's a hard thing to realize. The temptation to just pick up everything and use my last paycheck to move out to someplace closer to friends is there, even though I know that would not be a good idea. In fact, I suspect it would be something of a Jonah move, dashing off to Tarshish when the Lord wants me to stay right here in Nineveh.

Today was the first meeting of the Bible Study for the Deaf. I haven't signed in years, but it was amazing how quickly it all came back to me. Not that it was easy, but I was picking up a lot more than I thought I would. And I suddenly remembered why I love this language so very very much. Obviously, if I want to continue, I am going to have to pull out my old textbooks and videos and do some practicing. But that's okay. I can do that, and the people there were so kind and so understanding. I really feel that going to this on a weekly basis is a way to, at the least break up Mondays into something more manageable, and quite possibly a way to make friends and really get better in this language.

In other news, I was able to get in touch with unemployment, and began that process. Of course, I wasn't simply 'laid off,' I was in fact 'fired.' So now, I have to go through the adjudication process to convince the state to give me unemployment compensation. Amazingly, though, if everything goes my way, I'll be making only about $100 less than I would have been anyway, and I can pick up a part-time job to cover that shortfall. Of course, there's a lot more to it than that, I'm sure, and a packet is coming in the mail soon to explain everything I need to know. But it's not nearly as big and scary as I thought it would be.

Unfortunately, I can't apply for free health insurance until my current health insurance expires at the end of the month. Something to put on my calendar's to-do list. As far as jobs go, it seems the local hospitals are hiring for janitors, secretaries, and food service. It's not a cushy office job, but I bet I'd get some benefits, I could go back to college (flexible hours means they'd let me work hours around my classes), and sadly, it'd probably pay as well as I was making before. Which tells you what I was making before.

I've gotten a lot done today.

But there's so much more left to be done.

"In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and You listened to my cry." Jonah 2:2

Dear Lord: I think I'm a little overwhelmed.

I think the Lord plays Super Smash Brothers. He's got a Smash Bros. Hammer, and He's hitting me hard.

As I headed out the door this morning for church, I noticed a Sunday paper on my doorstep. Now, I don't get the paper. It's $100 something a year, and certainly, that's a deal. But it's still more than I could afford before, and quite a bit more than I can afford now while I'm jobless. But it's important to get a Sunday paper for the classifieds.

Now, I'll never claim to be perfect. My first thought when I saw that paper was that I should steal it. Grab it real quick, while no one was looking, and then I'd have one, at least, to look through for free. But the thought was fleeting, and I picked the paper up, hoping I could find an address or something, so I could toss it onto the right doorstep before I left for church. So I was shocked when I read, through the garish translucent orange bag the newspaper was in, that this was actually a free copy. In fact, I'll now be getting a free Sunday newspaper for the next four weeks. If that's not God at work, I don't know what is.

I hugged the newspaper. Silly, yes, but I was a little overwhelmed. Then I set the paper inside my screen door and climbed into the car. Now, I'm pretty eclectic in my music taste, but for now, I'm sticking to my Christian station. Like it or not, I'm still not completely stable emotionally, and heavy metal is just going to make that worse. So I flipped on the radio and headed on. Not three seconds later, Mark Schultz's song Back In His Arms Again comes on, and I lost it. It was so obvious to me that the Lord was putting His arms around me. And all it took was a free newspaper.

And then, at church, Mr. and Mrs. Missionary (to protect their privacy) handed me a packet of information on teaching English overseas with a missions organizations.

I have so much to go through, and I haven't even had a chance to apply for unemployment.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth. a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3

Dear Lord: ...Wait, what?

I don't know about you, but when I pray, I don't usually expect the kind of answer that makes me go "OH RIGHT. GOT IT." Not that those kind of answers don't happen, but it seems usually to me the answers the Lord gives are vague, and left up to interpretation.

So when I opened my Bible to Joshua 1:5-9, I felt like the Lord had pulled out a hammer and was pounding at me. "Be strong and courageous." Pound. "Do not be discouraged." Pound. "Do not be terrified." Pound. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Pound.

My pastor got back to me. What surprised me was that he sent my email home to his wife. Mrs. Pastor (as I will refer to her to respect her privacy) sent me an email inviting me to a church function tonight. It was a way to get out of the house, and refocus myself. Living alone, with my family an hour away, it's hard to convince myself that I'm not the total waste of space my previous boss made me out to be. The last thing I want is to sink into depression. I'm already a statistic in unemployment rates; it's probably a good idea not to be part of the suicidal statistics too.

So I went. And, of course, every time someone asked me how I was, I burst into tears. It's not that I wanted to, but it seemed to just happen. Embarrassing and frustrating and absolutely unavoidable. I wanted the floor to swallow me up.

The church function was actually a missionary conference. Interestingly enough, one thing I'd always wanted to do was travel. Unfortunately, life has spent a good chunk of time getting in my way, and I never have managed it. Usually, I have responsibilities here at home. After all, you can't simply take off when you have classes, or a full-time job.

So I listened. And I thought. But that's still something I'm not sure I'm ready for. I just don't think I'm missionary material.

Afterwards, I spent some time explaining to several people why it was I kept crying. It's not fun, but if I want to avoid turning into a crazy cat lady without the cats, I need to get out of the house. Interestingly enough, one of the women I talked to knows Sign Language. Now, I took a couple of semesters of ASL in college, loved it enough to seriously consider becoming a translator, but hit a bad teacher and ultimately switched to something else. She suggested that if I wanted some practical experience, there was a Bible Study for the Deaf that would welcome me in.

And then, talking with a missionary couple as I was walking out to my car, I learned that 'Missionary' is not the only job missions organizations look for when trying to find people to send overseas. There are job openings for people to teach English. They've offered to bring me more information tomorrow at church.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Dear Lord: HELP.

The first day is always the hardest.

It was softened, somewhat, by the fact that I was already expecting to get a weekend. So waking up this morning and realizing I wasn't going in to work today wasn't a total shocker. On the other hand, I hadn't actually slept that much.

I know, we all say it. "Don't let what that guy said get to you." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." "It's just one guy, after all."

And sure. That's all true. I've never been fired before. I've never even been let go from a job before. I'm a hard worker with a good work ethic; everyone tells me so. But this one guy has shaken all of my confidence in myself. What if he's right? What if I'm not cut out for the real world? What if I'm going to die alone and homeless on the streets?

Okay, so I realize that's not likely. But the things that go through your head after being let go from a job aren't always rational.

This was my first 'real' job out of college. Sure, I'd known two weeks into it that it definitely wasn't something I wanted long-term, but that only softened the blow a little. Yay. Instead of having a mediocre job I tolerate enough to pay the bills, I have no job and the possibility I won't be eligible for unemployment.

First thing I do is get some things settled. Contact former coworkers who owe me things, or who loaned me things. I have to get all of that squared away. Then it's time to send an email to my pastor. Who knows? Maybe he can help, and if not, at least he can pray for me. Besides, he leads my small group, so he's aware of the troubles I'd been having previously.

Then it's time to open the Bible. Dear Lord, I need help. I don't know where to go from here, or how to even begin looking for a new job.

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:5-9

Dear Lord: I've lost my job. Now what?

The news hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh, it's not that I wasn't half-expecting it. Just a few weeks ago, my boss of nearly two years had been laid off and replaced with a new guy. The new guy came from a completely different department, one that was run completely differently than ours. And he was paying me a lot of attention. In this economy, attention usually isn't a good thing, and Heaven knows, I wasn't perfect at my job. I was good, no doubt better than anyone else in my department, but perfection was the name of the game now, and I couldn't cut it. Better, in his eyes, to scrap the previous boss's work and start over.

Unfortunately, that was me.

So suddenly, I'm out of a job. Worse yet, there's no options for a job in my field in the area I'm living. So I all but have to move, if I want to stay in this field.

And that's the big question, isn't it? My family lives here. I never really enjoyed this job; it was a way to pay the bills, and nothing more, really. In fact, this wasn't even what I went to college for. Which leaves me...

Where?

"Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning." Psalm 73:14-15