Dear Lord: Sometimes I'm such a fool

It's the last day of the month.

Today is the last day I have benefits from my old company. It's the day my explanation for getting fired is due. Tomorrow if I get sick, I'll have to pay for it out of pocket. It's... Sad.

I couldn't seem to get my feet underneath me today. I'm not sure why people put up with me. I'm doubting things I shouldn't doubt, and I feel like crying every second. It's so frustrating.

"I said, 'I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.' But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue: 'Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath.'" Psalm 39:1-5

Dear Lord: There's so much to do...

There's not enough time, and so much to do.

It's not that I'm unambitious. It's that I have a hard time convincing myself to do things. I think part of it is just that I'm scared. I'm scared of getting turned down. I'm scared of change. I'm scared that people will look at me and reject me because of my appearance. And all of this is only made worse by the fact that I've received the ultimate "You can't do a good job" message in the loss of my job.

So I didn't really get started today until noon. Well, that's not entirely true. With the help of a friend, I was able to get my write-up for the contesting of my unemployment written in a way that sounds professional and accurate. I hope I did it right. Then noon, I got out of the house and got that and another item mailed. I had the church Bible Study for the Deaf at 1pm, so I grabbed a couple of Dollar Menu items and ate them on the way. It's a good thing, too, because that study went for 3 hours.

On the way home, I stopped by the Red Cross and offered to volunteer. It's kind of disheartening when a volunteer organization doesn't need volunteers. I stopped by another minimum-wage place, and got an application. It's not what I want, but for now, I'll take what I can get.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

Dear Lord: I'm procrastinating

Going to church today was interesting.

Because of the prayer meeting, I met some people I hadn't before. Amazingly, though I've been going to this church for over a year now, I have had several people come up to me recently and ask me if I was a visitor. It's nice that they have noticed me, but it's a little awkward to have to tell people that I've been coming here for some time now.

I didn't get the things done that I needed to, for the most part. I'm supposed to write all the reasons why I shouldn't have been fired. I keep staring at the page with a nearly overwhelming amount of anger. I thought I was over this. I need to forgive my boss and my old company, and I'm not sure how.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:44-45

Dear Lord: Prayer really is the best way to start

Sometimes it's easy to forget everything in the mad rush that is life.

I started out today not sure I wanted to wake up. There was a prayer meeting this morning at 8am, and I was very tempted to sleep through it. Largely because I'd stayed up so late last night. But I decided to go anyway, and I'm glad I did.

Apparently, there are some issues in the church right now. In my experience, this is, unfortunately, all too common. People are people everywhere, even in church. There will always be those people that end up causing problems and strife, and I've grown accustomed to it in churches. It's a sad truth. The prayer meeting this morning was in regards to the issues in the church. An attempt, if you will, by the women of the church to support the men, if only from a distance.

It ended up lasting nearly two hours. This was surprising, but nice. We prayed specifically for the men of the church, certainly. But we also took a break and discussed things currently going on in our lives. One of the things brought up was that a friend of mine has recently had an abortion. Now, yes. I have a moral and religious objection to abortion. I disagree with her decision. But I also understand her reasoning. She is a single mother of one, living with her parents. Another child would basically cement her into a life she doesn't want. Happily, I was able to pray for her with the group, her current child, and her medical/physical status. I'm not entirely sure she would be happy about this if she knew, but I am concerned about her physical, mental, and emotional stability. Abortions are not just a physical trauma, but often an emotional trauma as well.

I met my parents for lunch. There were things I was supposed to have done between the prayer meeting and lunch, but my parents were also not supposed to make it up to my area until mid-afternoon. They called me a little before noon. We tried to go to a couple of different restaurants, but we weren't having a lot of luck. Instead, we ended up in a little Chinese buffet. It was quite nice. And then my parents informed me they had not only brought me an old monitor, but they had bought me a new printer, and my sister had bought me some bad sci-fi books. It made me smile.

The mudanities of meeting my parents was surprisingly nice. I'm having issues with my taxes (my previous employer may have managed to mess up my taxes, and thus my finances for the next few months), and my dad was able to help out at least a little. It's nice, even for a couple of hours, to be reminded that my family is there for me, and that my life is not all about my inability to get a job.

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:7-8

Dear Lord: And I needed that too.

Children have a way of working miracles all by themselves.

The mail came today, and in it was my unemployment package, and the documentation I need to fill out in order to contest for unemployment. There's something very real about staring down at that piece of paper and realizing that whatever you say there is going to affect whether or not you can pay the bills next month, if you can't find a job.

It's also rather startling when they give you two days to fill it out and mail it back in.

I immediately called them and pointed out that it was going to take me a day to fill the document out, and if it needs to be back by Tuesday, I might have problems, given the postal service. They were very understanding, and I was reassured.

I also called a church friend, and got directions/an address to the prayer meeting tomorrow. I called a place I used to work part-time at and asked for hours again. It, sadly, doesn't look likely. But at least I'm trying.

Finally, I called the school I'd like to enroll in. They couldn't answer my questions right then, but they're going to put me in touch with someone who can. Hopefully by Wednesday I'll know whether I can re-enroll and how I should go about doing it. I also have a list of jobs I am going to try to get applications out for. Crossed fingers!

Then, I headed out to Mr. and Mrs. Missionary's house. Now, to be honest, I wasn't sure how this was going to go down. The letter and the pressure had me strung a little tight, and so I've been rather up and down emotionally all day.

But I was greeted by a tiny boy carrying an even tinier girl. "Say hi! It's a friend!"

It's hard not to smile at that. Of course, later that tiny girl backed away from me as though I were Jason, complete with hockey mask, and began screaming and crying. Apparently, she's shy. But I spent a good half hour running around with the kids, keeping the little one from wandering too far, chatting with Mrs. Missionary, and racing from the front yard to the back yard and back again. Dinner was fabulous, spent chatting and eating great food (Something you miss when you live on your own is a table full of people. I spend most of my meals at home in front of the television). And then I read a book on crocodiles to the little ones. I had a child on my lap, a child curled against my side, a child curled against that child, and a child who spent her time crawling over top all of us. It was great fun. We watched a movie, and then spent time talking about various books we all had read and loved. I was almost sad to go, but unfortunately, 11:15pm means it's time to politely make an exit.

There's something infinitely healing about spending so much time with children. I think it's the automatic acceptance for who you are.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth! You have set Your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants You have ordained praise because of Your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?" Psalm 8:1-4

Dear Lord: I needed that.

God gave us mothers for a reason.

I won't pretend my mother and I have always gotten along. We haven't. I was not a pleasant teenager (was anyone?) and my mother and I have had our share of fights, arguments, and misunderstandings. We're much, much too similar, and that more than anything else makes things difficult for us to get along on. I swear, I think we've had disagreements where we both agreed on something, but were too busy arguing about it to realize that. It's a wonder, really, that the rest of the family didn't simply knock our heads together sometimes.

But after spending most of Wednesday and all day yesterday feeling sorry for myself and running in place, metaphorically speaking, I got up today not entirely sure how to proceed. I had this rather misguided idea that I'd be able to just jump into the next spot in life without any real effort on my part. Obviously, this is silly, which I would have realized if I'd thought about it at all rationally, but I didn't.

So, although I'd gone to bed with all sorts of thoughts about how I was going to get up and be all MOTIVATED and PRODUCTIVE today, I basically woke up wishing that someone else would make my decision for me, and then spending all morning in bed. So much for productivity.

And then my mother called. She didn't pull any punches, either. She told me exactly what I needed to hear (which, trust me, was not what I wanted to hear), gave me a list of things that have to be done by tomorrow afternoon, and gave me the consequences for not doing them.

Granted, there is a large part of me that wants to sit and wallow, or spin wheels, because that's easier than making a decision. That part of me is pointing out that it's only been a week, that a week one direction or the other won't matter, that I have every right to take my time for this.

And the rest of me realizes that the minute I start making a habit of that kind of procrastination, I'm setting myself up for failure.

So I'm going to stop using 'research' as an excuse, and start making some phone calls. The more I look at it, the more it seems that one door is being forcibly closed on me, and the another is being made more clear. Frustratingly, it's not necessarily the one I thought I really wanted, but maybe the timing just isn't right.

Off to the phones.

"We give thanks to you, O God, we give thanks, for your Name is near; men tell of your wonderful deeds. You say, 'I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly. When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm.'" Psalm 75:1-3

Dear Lord: I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.

There's always going to be ups and downs.

I wouldn't be human if I didn't have them. And this wouldn't be an accurate accounting if I didn't talk about the bad with the good.

Today wasn't one of my better days. It was cold and rainy out, so I didn't get to go for a walk. I was easily distracted, having trouble with my concentration, and so couldn't manage to do the research and phone calls I needed to. And then, around 7pm I realized I hadn't gotten anything (besides laundry) done all day. This frustrated me, but at that point, it was so late there really wasn't any time to go out, and most of the places I need to call have closed by then. Yay for small-town mentalities.

Honestly, I'm still reeling from the disappointment yesterday. I thought this was going to be easy, and fast. It looks like, instead, it could take years, and could send me into a college program I realized the first time around that I couldn't handle. I shouldn't be cloistering myself up like this, but apparently I wasn't capable of anything else.

Lord, let tomorrow be better.

"I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked. From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3:5-8

Dear Lord: It's getting hard to keep positive.

I started out this morning amazingly positive.

As of yesterday, I had some amazing options, and I was really looking forward to things. A woman from Small Group had a possible part-time job for me that she was going to call me about. I had options laid out in front of me and I only had to do the research to figure out how to do them.

I had an appointment with my insurance agent. I've gone almost two years without Renter's Insurance, and being jobless means I was more concerned about this than I had been before. We also rearranged things so that I have some health insurance, anyway, at least in case I'm in a car accident. And then I found out that she knows how to get a Teaching English as a Second Language license. In fact, she paused our meeting so that she could make a phone call to a local college to get information for me. It was amazing!

And then I got home and started doing some research. Now, when I first started college, I went into Early Childhood Education. I didn't actually want to teach small children. What I wanted to do was teach young adults and adults with disabilities. But ECE was required for that, which confused me but I tried anyway. I nearly failed out, and ended up transferring out to a different degree altogether.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like kids. But more than three little ones, and I'm overwhelmed. Being a Christian woman doesn't mean I'm cut out for dealing with a classroom of 3 and 4-year olds.

And now I'm discovering that, to get the TESL/TEFL license I need to teach English overseas, I need to have a normal teaching license. To get a teaching license, I need to have a BA in Early Childhood Education.

And Sign Language will require me to move back close to my parents, away from my church, into Alcohol Central, and spend two years there.

I'm just... feeling so discouraged now. Everything I thought I could do is shutting down in my face, and I don't know how to fix it. What now, God? I can't do this alone.

"Even today my complaint is bitter; His hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find Him; if only I could go to His dwelling! I would state my case before Him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what He would answer me, and consider what He would say. Would He oppose me with great power? No, He would not press charges against me. There an upright man could present his case before Him, and I would be delivered forever from my judge." Job 23:2-7

Dear Lord: Decisions.

One of the things you aren't taught in Sunday School is that God may have a magnificent plan for you, but He'll still give you the choice to walk away from it.

I've mentioned Jonah before, but... I think one of the lessons from that is that we can make our own decisions. That doesn't mean God will leave us to ourselves, but He does let us do what we want, and then to pay for the consequences. I mean, the people who didn't see things through God's way mostly didn't make it in the Bible, or at least not in any way we want to follow.

But nowadays, God doesn't tend to come down in a pillar of fire, or a burning bush, or anything like that. He's a lot more subtle than that now.

Most of my day today was spent doing research, not really getting a lot done on my own. I was hampered somewhat by the fact that when I went to college the first round, it wasn't something I'd made a conscious decision about. I wasn't like a lot of students who did a lot of research and sent out a lot of college applications. When your father is a professor, you're pretty much guaranteed to get into his college, and I kinda just fell into my field of study.

So I finally just got up and took a walk. Now, I live within a quarter mile of a local lake with a walk-around. So I went for a walk. Halfway to the lake, my MP3 player shut down. I paused for a moment, and then decided to go ahead and walk the lake anyway. There's a lot of nature there, and there's no reason I would need an MP3 player. I've just, like a lot of people my age, gotten used to being surrounded by a lot of man-made noise, and the concept of being without it is a little odd.

But... Not to sound cliche, but it was a really good experience. Getting out, being surrounded by nothing but God's creation, it really just made things easier to deal with. I came out of it feeling at peace. I really think I need to make this a daily thing. Now I just have to remember to do it.

Interestingly, when I went to my Church Small Group tonight. I talked about the ways God has blessed me, and about the decisions I'm facing and how terrifying it is right now. Pastor has offered a booklet on making Godly decisions to me. I'm hoping that will help me as I face all that's being thrown at me.

"Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths, lightning and hail, snow and clouds, stormy winds that do his bidding, you mountains and all hills, fruit trees and all cedars, wild animals and all cattle, small creatures and flying birds." Psalm 148:7-10

Dear Lord: It's Monday, and I'm at home

The last time I was unemployed, I was seventeen, and my family was living in the basement/RV of a church friend.

I've worked since I was fifteen, usually nearly full-time, and usually with school or another job as well. It's hard to look ahead and see nothing but staying home. The job I had didn't lend itself to being able to get out and have a social life; overtime was basically required at the drop of a hat. Even besides that, I'm in an area where alcohol is the accepted method of hanging out and meeting people socially, and if you don't drink, well... Why not?

It's not really that I'm absolutely against drinking. In moderation (as with most everything else) drinking is fine. But I don't enjoy most bars, and I prefer not to put myself into situations where I could be harmed. So I don't go to bars alone, and I don't meet people/make friends because I don't go to bars. It's a sad little cycle.

So suddenly, I'm alone, and I don't even have a network of friends that can be here physically. It's a hard thing to realize. The temptation to just pick up everything and use my last paycheck to move out to someplace closer to friends is there, even though I know that would not be a good idea. In fact, I suspect it would be something of a Jonah move, dashing off to Tarshish when the Lord wants me to stay right here in Nineveh.

Today was the first meeting of the Bible Study for the Deaf. I haven't signed in years, but it was amazing how quickly it all came back to me. Not that it was easy, but I was picking up a lot more than I thought I would. And I suddenly remembered why I love this language so very very much. Obviously, if I want to continue, I am going to have to pull out my old textbooks and videos and do some practicing. But that's okay. I can do that, and the people there were so kind and so understanding. I really feel that going to this on a weekly basis is a way to, at the least break up Mondays into something more manageable, and quite possibly a way to make friends and really get better in this language.

In other news, I was able to get in touch with unemployment, and began that process. Of course, I wasn't simply 'laid off,' I was in fact 'fired.' So now, I have to go through the adjudication process to convince the state to give me unemployment compensation. Amazingly, though, if everything goes my way, I'll be making only about $100 less than I would have been anyway, and I can pick up a part-time job to cover that shortfall. Of course, there's a lot more to it than that, I'm sure, and a packet is coming in the mail soon to explain everything I need to know. But it's not nearly as big and scary as I thought it would be.

Unfortunately, I can't apply for free health insurance until my current health insurance expires at the end of the month. Something to put on my calendar's to-do list. As far as jobs go, it seems the local hospitals are hiring for janitors, secretaries, and food service. It's not a cushy office job, but I bet I'd get some benefits, I could go back to college (flexible hours means they'd let me work hours around my classes), and sadly, it'd probably pay as well as I was making before. Which tells you what I was making before.

I've gotten a lot done today.

But there's so much more left to be done.

"In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and You listened to my cry." Jonah 2:2

Dear Lord: I think I'm a little overwhelmed.

I think the Lord plays Super Smash Brothers. He's got a Smash Bros. Hammer, and He's hitting me hard.

As I headed out the door this morning for church, I noticed a Sunday paper on my doorstep. Now, I don't get the paper. It's $100 something a year, and certainly, that's a deal. But it's still more than I could afford before, and quite a bit more than I can afford now while I'm jobless. But it's important to get a Sunday paper for the classifieds.

Now, I'll never claim to be perfect. My first thought when I saw that paper was that I should steal it. Grab it real quick, while no one was looking, and then I'd have one, at least, to look through for free. But the thought was fleeting, and I picked the paper up, hoping I could find an address or something, so I could toss it onto the right doorstep before I left for church. So I was shocked when I read, through the garish translucent orange bag the newspaper was in, that this was actually a free copy. In fact, I'll now be getting a free Sunday newspaper for the next four weeks. If that's not God at work, I don't know what is.

I hugged the newspaper. Silly, yes, but I was a little overwhelmed. Then I set the paper inside my screen door and climbed into the car. Now, I'm pretty eclectic in my music taste, but for now, I'm sticking to my Christian station. Like it or not, I'm still not completely stable emotionally, and heavy metal is just going to make that worse. So I flipped on the radio and headed on. Not three seconds later, Mark Schultz's song Back In His Arms Again comes on, and I lost it. It was so obvious to me that the Lord was putting His arms around me. And all it took was a free newspaper.

And then, at church, Mr. and Mrs. Missionary (to protect their privacy) handed me a packet of information on teaching English overseas with a missions organizations.

I have so much to go through, and I haven't even had a chance to apply for unemployment.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth. a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3

Dear Lord: ...Wait, what?

I don't know about you, but when I pray, I don't usually expect the kind of answer that makes me go "OH RIGHT. GOT IT." Not that those kind of answers don't happen, but it seems usually to me the answers the Lord gives are vague, and left up to interpretation.

So when I opened my Bible to Joshua 1:5-9, I felt like the Lord had pulled out a hammer and was pounding at me. "Be strong and courageous." Pound. "Do not be discouraged." Pound. "Do not be terrified." Pound. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Pound.

My pastor got back to me. What surprised me was that he sent my email home to his wife. Mrs. Pastor (as I will refer to her to respect her privacy) sent me an email inviting me to a church function tonight. It was a way to get out of the house, and refocus myself. Living alone, with my family an hour away, it's hard to convince myself that I'm not the total waste of space my previous boss made me out to be. The last thing I want is to sink into depression. I'm already a statistic in unemployment rates; it's probably a good idea not to be part of the suicidal statistics too.

So I went. And, of course, every time someone asked me how I was, I burst into tears. It's not that I wanted to, but it seemed to just happen. Embarrassing and frustrating and absolutely unavoidable. I wanted the floor to swallow me up.

The church function was actually a missionary conference. Interestingly enough, one thing I'd always wanted to do was travel. Unfortunately, life has spent a good chunk of time getting in my way, and I never have managed it. Usually, I have responsibilities here at home. After all, you can't simply take off when you have classes, or a full-time job.

So I listened. And I thought. But that's still something I'm not sure I'm ready for. I just don't think I'm missionary material.

Afterwards, I spent some time explaining to several people why it was I kept crying. It's not fun, but if I want to avoid turning into a crazy cat lady without the cats, I need to get out of the house. Interestingly enough, one of the women I talked to knows Sign Language. Now, I took a couple of semesters of ASL in college, loved it enough to seriously consider becoming a translator, but hit a bad teacher and ultimately switched to something else. She suggested that if I wanted some practical experience, there was a Bible Study for the Deaf that would welcome me in.

And then, talking with a missionary couple as I was walking out to my car, I learned that 'Missionary' is not the only job missions organizations look for when trying to find people to send overseas. There are job openings for people to teach English. They've offered to bring me more information tomorrow at church.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Dear Lord: HELP.

The first day is always the hardest.

It was softened, somewhat, by the fact that I was already expecting to get a weekend. So waking up this morning and realizing I wasn't going in to work today wasn't a total shocker. On the other hand, I hadn't actually slept that much.

I know, we all say it. "Don't let what that guy said get to you." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." "It's just one guy, after all."

And sure. That's all true. I've never been fired before. I've never even been let go from a job before. I'm a hard worker with a good work ethic; everyone tells me so. But this one guy has shaken all of my confidence in myself. What if he's right? What if I'm not cut out for the real world? What if I'm going to die alone and homeless on the streets?

Okay, so I realize that's not likely. But the things that go through your head after being let go from a job aren't always rational.

This was my first 'real' job out of college. Sure, I'd known two weeks into it that it definitely wasn't something I wanted long-term, but that only softened the blow a little. Yay. Instead of having a mediocre job I tolerate enough to pay the bills, I have no job and the possibility I won't be eligible for unemployment.

First thing I do is get some things settled. Contact former coworkers who owe me things, or who loaned me things. I have to get all of that squared away. Then it's time to send an email to my pastor. Who knows? Maybe he can help, and if not, at least he can pray for me. Besides, he leads my small group, so he's aware of the troubles I'd been having previously.

Then it's time to open the Bible. Dear Lord, I need help. I don't know where to go from here, or how to even begin looking for a new job.

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:5-9

Dear Lord: I've lost my job. Now what?

The news hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh, it's not that I wasn't half-expecting it. Just a few weeks ago, my boss of nearly two years had been laid off and replaced with a new guy. The new guy came from a completely different department, one that was run completely differently than ours. And he was paying me a lot of attention. In this economy, attention usually isn't a good thing, and Heaven knows, I wasn't perfect at my job. I was good, no doubt better than anyone else in my department, but perfection was the name of the game now, and I couldn't cut it. Better, in his eyes, to scrap the previous boss's work and start over.

Unfortunately, that was me.

So suddenly, I'm out of a job. Worse yet, there's no options for a job in my field in the area I'm living. So I all but have to move, if I want to stay in this field.

And that's the big question, isn't it? My family lives here. I never really enjoyed this job; it was a way to pay the bills, and nothing more, really. In fact, this wasn't even what I went to college for. Which leaves me...

Where?

"Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning." Psalm 73:14-15