Several doors have opened for me.
I just feel like the price is so very high.
I'm coming to rely on the Lord more and more through this. I really am. It's amazing how much you come to know about God when you have nothing to do but read the Bible. I feel like my time up to now has been much like the Casting Crowns song American Dream, in that I've spent the years between high school and now really pursuing the things I thought I was supposed to, the things that I'd been told to do. I put blinders on and just focused on getting through to the next obstacle.
I've learned a lot from that. I can look back and say that God was with me the whole time, but I wasn't always bothering to pay any attention to Him. And that's sad.
When I was a kid, I had all sorts of amazing and extravagant plans. I was going to learn American Sign Language and Braille, and I was going to open a Christian school/church/library that worked with families to accept families who didn't necessarily have the means to afford the fancy private schools. Even just a single Braille book is phenomenally expensive. I wanted to have a way to provide an education and books and materials to the blind and the deaf and the disabled, so that they could be part of the community. I also wanted to be a missionary, and go to China. I thought it would be amazing to be a part of something so great.
Once I got older, I kind of left these dreams behind, not knowing how I would even begin to fulfill them.
Now, I'm looking at them again. Not in an extravagant, immediate way, but in a "Why did I ever forget about those?" way. I don't think I could open a school. But I can learn American Sign Language. I can learn Braille (as well as any seeing person can, anyway). I've always loved ASL anyway. I've applied at a local college for entry into their ASL/English Interpreting program. In my research, I discovered that the college also offers a Minor in Chinese.
Everywhere I've looked recently, there's been something about going overseas to China, both for missionary work and for teaching English. I think I would like to. I feel good about this decision. It's a decision to learn ASL, certainly, but also to learn Chinese, and then to go where I think the Lord is leading me. And I want to go where He leads.
But I'm so weak, and so scared. Audio Adrenaline put it best in Hands And Feet, when they sang:
I just feel like the price is so very high.
I'm coming to rely on the Lord more and more through this. I really am. It's amazing how much you come to know about God when you have nothing to do but read the Bible. I feel like my time up to now has been much like the Casting Crowns song American Dream, in that I've spent the years between high school and now really pursuing the things I thought I was supposed to, the things that I'd been told to do. I put blinders on and just focused on getting through to the next obstacle.
I've learned a lot from that. I can look back and say that God was with me the whole time, but I wasn't always bothering to pay any attention to Him. And that's sad.
When I was a kid, I had all sorts of amazing and extravagant plans. I was going to learn American Sign Language and Braille, and I was going to open a Christian school/church/library that worked with families to accept families who didn't necessarily have the means to afford the fancy private schools. Even just a single Braille book is phenomenally expensive. I wanted to have a way to provide an education and books and materials to the blind and the deaf and the disabled, so that they could be part of the community. I also wanted to be a missionary, and go to China. I thought it would be amazing to be a part of something so great.
Once I got older, I kind of left these dreams behind, not knowing how I would even begin to fulfill them.
Now, I'm looking at them again. Not in an extravagant, immediate way, but in a "Why did I ever forget about those?" way. I don't think I could open a school. But I can learn American Sign Language. I can learn Braille (as well as any seeing person can, anyway). I've always loved ASL anyway. I've applied at a local college for entry into their ASL/English Interpreting program. In my research, I discovered that the college also offers a Minor in Chinese.
Everywhere I've looked recently, there's been something about going overseas to China, both for missionary work and for teaching English. I think I would like to. I feel good about this decision. It's a decision to learn ASL, certainly, but also to learn Chinese, and then to go where I think the Lord is leading me. And I want to go where He leads.
But I'm so weak, and so scared. Audio Adrenaline put it best in Hands And Feet, when they sang:
"I am willing yet I'm so afraidI'm still afraid. But, like Michael W. Smith in Missing Person, I feel like I've lost the wonderment and belief I had when I was a child, and I want that back. So, I want the courage to make this decision, and to not run away because it would be easier. Lord, I want to be David, not Jonah.
You give me strength."
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 18:16-17
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:11-12
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